This Could Be the Last Time

One more for the last time this could be,
You are the problem but can you feel it?
The one that is stealing my life,
I am without you since long time ago, yesterday was over
Running away without you,
Cant ressurect the memory from ashes,
holding on, still holding on by letting you go,
without letting you to tear apart my heart with all the holes again,
What can you do? No, i cant do anything when its a drain away.
I cant take it, cause i've waited long, long enough
I cant explain myself at all,
because i cant even explain the thing you cant explain
maybe its the best you leave me alone,
when the darkness turn to light :)
it ends tonight,
i swear i will miss you,
but yesterday was over,
and today, i am fine without you.

Believe and Faith

Speeding?Weird, i am speeding again, along with a proton, tail-gating people(which i hate it so much when people did it on me). I usually speed when there are less cars in the road...... but not this time around. He flashes the car in front of me that blocked our way, and i did the same, weird. Of course, you know buatan Malaysia, how to fight with a Japan made product even the machine is more then 10 years...

If you wonder why people like speeding, its not hard to get the answer. Basically speeding can give you a sense of "high", pumping adrenaline to your whole body. As for people with more "testestrone", basically they just want to win, win everybody, like the Ah Bengs that drive Proton with the cheap LED light...... Big Eksos, they got no sense of beauty at all by modifying their car with their own bad taste. If you got offended by me, then most probably you are one of them. Else, you will agree on what i've said.

Back to the point, why am i speeding again. Its even worst than last time i drive. There are always some reasons which i cant list them down here... I am rebellious, really i am if you know me long enough. Oh, not to forget, speeding reduce some distress as well : ). Which is a good thing for you little gals and guys. Stress, i've been in stress-pool recently. Really, the problems are like...... all coming out at once and they strangle me, but i hope they end at once. So sometimes its nice to leave me alone, and i need more space for myself and doing the things that i like.

I asked a few people about me recently. They give me all different type of answers. Some good some bad, some apply some are not even me when they are saying...gosh. And i found out that feedbacks on me change according to the different circle of friends. The friends that i know since secondry school which talk from time to time. Some are the friends i know more the first or second year in college, and some are those they i know from business department, and some are my best friends. The commnets they gave untill i also dun know who i am already sometimes.

Emotions are like Yo-Yo these few days, up and down, back to the top again and fall to the bottom again. I found myself stuffing my stomach with more and more food, i think this is a sickness which i forget what is it but perhaps someone can tell me(YO!!!, Especially the psychology students out there, sure got some beautiful term for me right? Hehe, no offence). Beside eating and speeding, i am facing the screen longer than facing people. I hope i will not make a U-turn back to my Form 3 and 4 behaviour this time...

Like what my aunt said, i am a question child, cause i ask a lot from her, this and that and everything. But i know is a good thing that she said i am finding myself, searching the path.

Not forget to mentioned, if you happened to bump into my site, which i doubt it. Thanks for everything you did for me in Hong Kong. I learned a lot from the things you told me although some i dont agree on it. I will pay you back the so called " investment".

Believe and faith is what i must have now. Besides that, disipline. Good luck for you Yong Jia. Muy Bien, thats all. 兵来将挡，水来土淹。That is what i always believe.

Please consult your parents if you want to read this passage! Dont read if you are those that can get offended easily!

Pissed to the max! Feel like punching the sandbags, i am going to get one, because i am so damn fucking pissed. Dont ask me to do things if you still want to complain so fucking much. Come out with a solution, not fucking speaking so fucking loud to me. I damn fucking hate people speaks so loud to me. My ears cannot stand loud voice, my heart beat will increase rapidly, no choice, thats me. To avoid the burn, say it nicely. Else someone will commit crime. So speak nicely and politely. I tried but i cant , i am so sorry that you are down again. Nothing can chnage this, so i suggest you to step back , think twice before you talk to me, else you will feel the fucking burn from me. I am not joking, i am not. The way of communication between you and me , totally fucking different but i dont know why. Weird, so long already but still the same.

He told me to do this and you told me that he did not told me about it. I jod down all the details by myself from him talking thru phone, but you said i am wrong, he said that but not this to you. Pathetic! How pathetic is that, Gosh, Fraking pissed off. so, money is not a problem, i can pay you back the amount of money if you want but you dont want it so its fine, but dont worry, i will pay you back with it. Where on earth....Yong Jia, you are digging your own fresh grave if you are still so steam after 15 minutes.... But yong jia said, its so fucking hard to calm down. Where got such people in the world...OMG.

Only people like that can create these fucking problems to the fucking world.

How long edi since i've become so hot temper just because of such small matter. Just because of a small fucking matter and i am so fucking pissed off. But who cares....no one cares, no one give a fucking damn, a fucking care, welcome to the world. Well come to the reality fucking world, yeah! its a fucked up world! And thats life.

Godspeed!

Have a debate/argument with my someone. I know i am not perfect, but i know what i am doing. Just wanted them to know whats my feeliings and all. I know i do disappointed them, but sometimes you just dont have the strenght to do it better. Maybe it is time for a change. Or i am just giving myself some excuses for not doing better, or plain laziness? Well, i know myself, the last one consists most of the reason.

Arg, felt so helpless and hopeless, can't help. Stop procastinating would be a good idea, do it straight away and darn, you are analysing wayyyyy to much on everything. Is a fuck up day. Really !! so fucking hate it.

Worst still, can you imagine disapointing yourself? Man, work on it so much but the outcome is not what you want, is it because of the stupidity? No, i am kinda smart, but why it happens, only myself know.

Anyway, there are always chnaces, it depends on, how are you going to work on it. I dont want to make things wrong and start missing a gal, its just the same like what we are facing.

A gal asked me, " is it because of your study habit that need a chnage"? Because i promised myself to do the things that i wanted to do right away and stop analyzing, so i straight away chnage my study habit. It do have a good start, so i hope i will continue to do so.

I am not holding back this time, i am on the run. Wish me godspeed.

Untitled.

In this world all of our sins are simple
We choose death over innocent life
And in this world it's not our money that's evil
It's the one's who choose it over life
And in my heart I cannot believe in this murder
And I will not be fed by the lies
Or the life that's created just to be murdered
It's murder

No matter how hard they try and
No matter how loud they cry
They can't
Buy their way into heaven
No matter how hard they try and
No matter how high they climb up the ladder
They won't reach up into heaven

And they can't see
The innocent lives
The pointless suffering
And in my heart I wanna undo all this murder
And give back their innocent life
Open cages and stop their luxurious murder
It's murder

Something Happened!

Well, something happened when i am in hong kong and it troubles me. Serious, mentally especially. Just want to say xxxx me for letting that thing happened.If i picked up the phone and ....arggg...stupid me. And i am freaking sure that i need to explain a lot when i am back, and i might lose THE CHANCE. This might happeend cuz he sounded serious...man.

As predicted, just that i dont want to face the truth a few days before. So i din think about it and i din seek for the answers. Now its comming out and i got to solve it quick. REAL QUICK.

11th day and will be back to Malaysia soon!

This is the 11th days i've been in Hong Kong and its a superb nice trip.

Gamble!!

Watched the movie about gambled which was directed by a Singaporean Actor, "Zhi Qiang" before? I bet a lot of the Malaysians and Singaporeans watched it before because his movies are kind of funny, and the most importantly, it make sense.

In the movie, it said something that make sense, on why people gamble, and here is the reason said by them, " These people gamble because that gives hope to them everyday. That is the reason why they were addicted to these behavior that we catogorized as bad. I kind of agrred on this phrase. People "sell-life" just to buy those tickets, lottery for hopes. They dreamed that once they strike the first prize, they will have a lot of money and strive less. Also, some of the bad phrases influenced by HK files suck as "you will stand a chnace if you forever gamble", this is a sucky phrase but still many people believe it. However, these noobs never think themselves on these phrases and what it really means.

Well, why i came up with such "article" out of a sudden, is because i got a chnace to see how these things recently, not that i didnt see these before. But it is the first time i felt so symphaty for these people...

These people spent a ringgit(RM) up to a few thousand just to "buy" the hope. They buy numbers, but they don't know the chnaces for thme to win a number is so so so so so so slight. Well, if you don't believe, you can ask Levin about it and he will calculate for you because his math is so darn good. They forever think that they will win one day. I saw some old ladies, paying money for the numbers they bought, old men doing the same thing like the old ladies, young guns like you and me parking their motorcycles outside the shop and buy the "heart-water" numbers when they are supposingly working and not spending time of these. I saw some house-wife, paying money for the numbers bringing empty buckets(arent they were supposed to be fill in with foods?), i even saw some look-a-like malays buying numbers although there is a sign-board in the shop saying,Gambling is prohibited for muslims, i thought these are against their Allah?

These people line-up in a long queue, or standing at the counter buysing writting the numbers. When the central offline , those that failed to buy the numbers will blame those typist because of their lack of efficiency indirectly casuing them failed to buy the numbers and lost the chnace to win the money.

But from my point of view, these people lose their soul, they failed because they were controlled by the desire, the disipline and the lust. Arent we human are well-known for self-control? What are the difference for human to n=animals if they cannot acheive this?

Some of the elders in the family said, "Xiao Du Yi Qing, Ta Du Shang Gan Qing", means, smaller bets do make you feel happy and nicer, it creates harmoney, but if you bet big, it hurts the relationship with someone. I kind of agree on this after i saw those variety behaviors recently.

IF i Failed to Plan, I Planned to Fail.

Seriously, what is it all about? Some showing-you-know-the-life theory? Well, i dont know. Recently, this is the quote that inspired me. How am i going to work this out?

Always i am the kind that lazy around not untill i am close to the deadline, i am so proud of myself for my ability to spent more then 24 hours for studying, assignments when its near the deadline but not leaving my job till the last minute. Well, my results wern't that good because of this reason that i cant kep my disiplin up to the level. My results were always on the margin of creit and pass. But luckily and unfortunately, i have someone supports me and i always take things or granted. But, i am changing.

I do beleive this is a very good start for me since i went to college, i chnaged a lot, i do feel it myself, i am becomming a better person if compared to last time.If i just hold on to one more second, just hold on to what myself are, i will wake up tomorrow. But am i not good enough for the world?

Someone that is important told me, "Jia, if you can consistently use your time for your studies, you might even get Distinctions". And i do believe myself if i set that as my vision of this summer, i can do it. But i do appreciate the someone that keep supporting me even thou i failed my subjects and not living up to his expectation, yet he always gave me his support. Yet, it seems so far for me to pay this "debt" back to him. When am i going to pay this and i am growing up everyday...

Went to watch movie with a idiot yesterdat, a midnight movie at around 12.30, called him up because there's a lot of mosses above my head... thanks for his accompany, but still, i want to say something, he sucks cuz i kept me waiting for 1 hour and 20 minutes...and this sucks because normally i i dont wait more then 30 minutes for guys...and he brought a gal with him too....how am i goign to chat with him?

Pool Side Party

Went to a pool side party. Darn, its happening, really love it, i thought i wouldnt enjoy there but IT Superb la. Play some outdoor game sbut i miss the outdoor fun because i don know how to swim and i think i really need someone to teach me how to swim(anyone pls offer me :( ).

Then after dinner, we played some indoor games, i think i won Rm 50 Bucks. Oh, we drank beer and we won, we were the group that drank all the 8 cans of beer. RM 100 Cash and A bottle of Henessy. Darn, its awesome. Got to know some really hot chicks as well. Mna, dont you think its wonderful. Later we open bottle and we play some stupid interesting games, Fuiyooh. and its great.

This was the first time for me to joined these party and i definitely would join for the next time if i do have the chnace and the time and the energy to join.

Read!

I've learned something that enlighten me recently,
Don't know why, its something that i knew,
Just that i didnt use it last time.Its because i am too naive or because of perspective chnaged.?

But one thing for sure, i have gone through the stage and went to a upper one.
Which is a good thing i think, its impossible for one to be on the same stage forever, time will change one person. And indeed, that event changed me, A LOT. Well, thats what people said, we learned from mistakes, and we gained experience.

Well, i din get what i want, something that i dream of last time. Soemthing that i craved so fucking hard and something that i put so much effort on it. It all went down to the drain : ). It did upset me a lot :), its hurts(maybe it hurted), the feeling of heartache. Fuiyohh, man, you really don't feel like trying it i tell you.

But there's no perfect in this world. THe bad things might not be the bad one's, and the good one's might not be the good one's. So, why should we guard it so hard untill we suffered? Its not HARSH to yourself, but you are damn stupid for letting go the things that you actually want and you think people will say you "wei ta" because of letting it go? No man, not at all. But indeed, you are very stupid, what kind of nonsense you are telling yourself? We do make mistakes. And we all did, Whats the big deal as long you tell yourself you will not committe to smomething like that.

Because of the reason you told me through msn that day? Damn, its BS, you can throw them and flush them away. Do you want her?If you love her so much, you can "dismissed" all the feelings yuo have, you can throw away you fucking ego, your fucking dignity.Tell yourself, you are not a quitter. Come on man, lets get real.

Man, why am i saying something different that i intended to say before this? Anwiay, i think i am going for a sleep and i will write soemthing later.

Deep and Meaningless

I, Dont know why missed you so much.
Yeah I, dont know why still feel your touch.
You, Lift me up and high and dry

Putting me into nothing but a dead connection,
If you call me today, i will say that i am fine,
but from the tone of my voice you can know that its just a lie.

Do you know what you were doing to me,
But yet i was too blind to see.

Collide

It's a shame what ones have become
When we hurt the ones we love
And its a place that you cannot go, anymore

When you collide you lose yourself
When you collide you break into 2
And as you push and you shove and you hurt the one you love,
Its a hard mistake
When you collide
you break,

When the cold comes crashing down,
and the fight lost what it's about,
I can tell you that you have left
Something that its a shame what you've become
When you hurt the one you love
Is a place that you cannot go.

Its a hrd mistakes
wheny ou collide.

Whole again

I will love you till the day i die
I would tell you how much i'll need you everyday
for my life long to love someone like you
with a heart silhouetted the perfect passion

I would try to be a better lover
i don't care if i lose my all
cause its you i've been dreaming for this life time
so here's my heart, waiting for you to take it baby

come and take my heart tonight
cause its u i've been waiting for all the while
come and take my heart tonight
make me whole again

I see clouds filling up the moon
and the green turning into blue and faded
i would say things were wrong and now i'm missing you
i will have to make amends cause it'll be till the end

do you think i would stop for what i've been leaving out these nights
girl i've been craving you'd be mine, all mine
you are all that have made my life, i wont let you down this time
baby i want you back here in my life forever.

Hold On!

To anyone out there:

I hope you are doing better,
One step Closer to Recovery,
I wish there is something i could say,
To erase each and every page that you have been thru, the bad ones.

But, i wont listen to you giving up,
Just hold on for one more second,
IF you just hold on for one more second,
you will wake up tomorrow.

Hey, wake up wake up
You got to believe,
you got to wake up,
You got to stand still, to guard the ground,
time keeps going on without us.

Just hold on, and just hold on,
if you feel like letting go.

Life is pretty boring here after i finished my year 1 and left one year 2 sub. No more assignments, no coll, which is pretty bad for me becaus ei got nothing to do besides staying at home wathcing TV's program, online, eat, sleep....bla bla bla and the list go on.

I think i got the chnace to re-sit for the paper. Why is that, because i got a DI for assignment. YES, kinda relieve......Finished all the assignments, final's is one month away from today, plenty of time to play around.....college life, yeah, not bad. Finally!

first time!

Its a crisis today, feel the pressure, feel something really on me, presing hard on my shoulder, my heart beats fast, i felt nervous even after a few hours, sense of guiltytill now this time i am writting, still, its like hunting you, till you are goned....this is not a good feeling, its the very few times that i felt like this, how long i din feel this kind of pressure on me, perhaps its a time for chnage? to be more dedicated? or to be more hardworking? well i dont know man....

Know what i din go for my final examination for my marketing paper......its a disaster. I missed it, altho sickness could be a good reason to push things off, but still, i feel bad on this. Thi si the first time man...how could it be like this? It supposed to end last semester, but i brought it to next semester...man, how could it be.

No, prepared for the worst, hope the best...hope everything will turn up nicely for me in the end, the grant me for a re-sit, they accpet my reasons. And thanks for Kuan fong for helping me in this, i really bothers him today with all the call, but he still explained all the process to me patiently altho he is working. Really, thanks a lot.

Thats all for today's blog...man, i can really feel it this time.

*Speechless*

Dont know why, i am getting more and more secretive nowadays......is it because of certain things that happened on me over these few weeks? I dislike rumors, i dislike the people that cannt mind their own business, i dislike the strangers that talked about my stuff, its my business, not yours, please dun come into my life and please dun involved in my fucking private life. Anythign got to do with you? Man....

I leanred how to relief, i learned how to handle more things at once, i leanred how to keep the pressure away on me like wat i mentioned b4(the mandrin blog). Seriously, i've been affected by all the rumors that created by peoples, that i dislike, that i am not close with, i hate being in the focus light sometimes, especially the bad onces, i just hate it.

I learned how to be secretive, i learned how to keep more things private, how to hide something, not all the people will help you, please, dont be so pure untill you think everyone in this world is good till they will help you, or let you to relieve your steam, no way man. Choose, Choose those that you can trust. Dont ever ever reveal anything that you think its importan, especially the stuff that involved third parites..... , learned how to choose. Its the key.

Once again, wat am i talking you can ask me if you dont undertsand, but dun espect you can get clear answer from me cuz i might not be able to fullfill anything requirement.

Stubbornness

Is it good to be stubbron? There's no exact answer on this and it depends. Really, what make me say this?

There's no wrong to hold on something that you think its right, your principles, your theory. Why? Convince me to chnage my view on this :). If you can, please, go ahead and try. Of course, when you were exposed on something, definitely you will chnage your view on these "values". It dont have to be convinced.

But well, i do learn something recently. Letting go is one of the best way to not letting yourself down. A way to make you not suffer, a way to pass through all the hassle. Well, it really deprends.

What am i talking about? Do you understand? Well, if you dont, please try to ask me, but well, dont blame me on not giving you the answers because i dont really knows what i am talking about.

Ciaoz...